As I swallow my pride and react to the decisions I have made in life bad and good I understand the mistakes I made and only feel regret. My eyes have been closed to everything around me, my ears have been shut, my heart was taking the lead but it was not fully understanding what it was doing. 

I thought I was doing right but I was all but wrong, I was making mistakes and not even realizing it and those mistakes fueled a fire that I can’t put out. 

I’m feeling so many emotions I don’t like to feel…

Regret, sorrow, sadness, upset, anger all at once and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I wake up fearing what is has waiting for me. 

I only wish I could take back my actions and redo everything right but the damage is done and my reputation is ruined. 

I took so much pride in the things I did and did so much in the past however I lost that pride and I became lazy just wanting everything does the easy way. Waiting for things to get finished, things I was supposed to be doing. Nothing was getting completed but everything was getting started. 

Project after project, task after task, word after word and nothing was getting done. I failed at the things I enjoyed the most. I lost touch of who I was and what I am. I’ve become someone I don’t recognize anymore. 

I was in a path to starting over and finding myself but I ended up just being the same person with some minor changes. This isn’t enough! 

I need to really think about my decisions and think a lot better. I need to quit talking and just show my actions of progress. Quit doubting myself and step up to the plate. 

I lost that person and I need it back. I need to get that person back in my life and improve it for a better future. It’s in my hands and my hands alone to have a better future and a better outcome on life. If I continue down this path I’m currently on I’ll end up alone having lost everyone that matters in life. 

No one wants to be with a person like this, heck I wouldn’t want to be with my current self as it is. I’ve been blind to what matters the most and ignorant. Apologies don’t matter when you’re such a selfish person and don’t think about anyone else.

 I do think about others but not how I should be. I take everyone for granted and act like tomorrow they will be there waiting for me. Well that’s not true, everyone gets tired including myself and tired people don’t stick around. They move on to better things, things that make them happy. 

The selfish person will end up unhappy, miserable and alone asking why not even knowing the answer because we only think about ourselves… 

Swallow my pride I shall do, lower my head and listen to what’s around me. Quit worrying about pleasing others and just do what I’m supposed to do. I need to provide fruits and not poison. 

A few years ago someone told me I was a poisonous person and at the time I took defense to that but that person was right, I am very poisonous to everyone around me. Instead of providing positive fruit I end up providing hate, anger, defenses and self pity. Things like that won’t get me anywhere in life. 

I’m at a standstill now and it may be too late as I have done in reversible damage to those around me. I pray it’s not too late and I hope I can recover from this. I want to fix the damage I have done but it may be too late to recover from this. I accept the consequences of my actions but I want to prove I can do better.